[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
who wore it better?
This January has 47 Mondays
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children