I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Aaaa…CHOO!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
A classic…
good for her
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.