I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.