My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.