The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.