checking out some reviews of my local library
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Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”