Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”