pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks