[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.