Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us