I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.