*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
i was baptized in a car wash
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.