How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
You Might Also Like
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy