[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
You Might Also Like
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
how to have fun when you’re poor
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”