Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready