Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.