My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
barbara was highly relatable
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?