I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
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Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.