Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
You Might Also Like
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.