I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
❤️🦆
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house