[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
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Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
consequences, the bane of my existence
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home