My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“what’s it like having a sister?”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.