I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Do you want to taunt a snowman?