5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
marvel comics have peaked
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef