*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
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Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game