My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
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When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?