Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
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This fish is cracking me up
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert