You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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it must be school picture day
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.