Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
You Might Also Like
When life hands you women, make women laid.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
set yourself free xox
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?