Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I have never related to anyone more.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!