My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous