So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
About to go for a run, because shoplifting