ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk