I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
You Might Also Like
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”