My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
put ‘er there pardner!
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Worlds greatest photobomb
This is the best one I’ve seen
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.