ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Denise please return my vape pen
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.