One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Noted.
Finally!
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust