“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
anyone else like Italian cereal
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Sticker placement is key.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine