Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
You Might Also Like
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.