No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
3% human
97% stress
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
nice challenge
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.