I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.