So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
You Might Also Like
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism