Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.