KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up