*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
much to think about
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid