Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Bobby pin
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
become ungovernable
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.