Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.