I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
You Might Also Like
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Baking is just science you can eat.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who