Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.