Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?